Targeted

Yes I know, I know, you have all missed me and my wondrous words of wisdom, as well as my brilliant talent for alliteration. It has been a little while since I wrote anything, some stuff happened and I haven’t felt like writing in a while (a long while), and therefore you poor souls have had to suffer due to my absence. Well it is time to be joyful and to let the light come flooding back into the darkness that is your life, for I have returned and feel like enlightening you all once again. You Lucky Lucky People.

But wait, “Why now o Magnificent One?” the more inquisitive amongst you might be asking. Well an event occurred very recently that I thought was definitely worth sharing with you, and therefore I shall.

Now those of you who have the extremely good fortune to know me personally, will know that I work shifts, and that when I am on day shifts I get up at 5:30am, yes I know this is a beastly hour that no sane person should be made to endure, but I digress. Anyway generally the third thing I do upon waking up at 5:30am (the first being turning off Counting Crow’ Angels of the Silences (the song set as my alarm), and the second being cursing at now being awake when moments ago I was not), I tend to turn on my laptop and check my email and the news. Yes I understand that this not a great way to start the day, with news of wars, terrorisms, Justin Bieber and spam emails offering me all kinds of things I neither need nor want. However I’m the sort of person that likes to get all that out of the way right at the start. Now low and behold what should I find waiting for me in my inbox Thursday morning, but an email which in the subject line read “Read This Is Important”.  Now obviously I overlooked the bad grammar and opened the email (after all it said it was Important), and this is what I was presented with:

This is the only way I could contact you for now,I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where i am from. I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation.I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer.It’s someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them,because if you do, I will know,and I might be pushed to do what i have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be betrayer in my job. I took pity on you and your family... That is why i have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.

Now obviously this is some sort of scam, let us get that out of the way from the beginning. Not only that, but it is a very badly written scam. What it isn’t, is something you expect to appear in your email at an ungodly hour, when you have just been roused from a deeply slumber mere minutes ago, where you were quite happily dreaming about.... erm, nevermind that. Anyway given these particular circumstances, I hope you will forgive me for not automatically thinking “oh this is obviously a scam”, in fact I believe I had the appropriate set of responses to this particular situation.

First, there was confusion. Yes I know this is a boring response but could not be help

Second, a sense of pride kicked in. I know this will seem silly to most of you, not all of you, but most of you. However the idea that someone wants you assassinated is a huge ego boost, especially for someone with such a fantastically large and gorgeous one as my own. 

Third, I started to mentally make lists of all my friends who might want me dead. Surprisingly it was more than I would have thought, eight of them if you are interested. Now this  is where a tiny bit of logic kicks in, not a lot mind you, remember what time of day we are talking about, but just enough for me to cut the list down to the four who could afford an assassin.

Forth, as I was now relatively awake, with more logic is seeping in slowly while I tried to work out exactly which of my friends had hired an assassin to kill, when BANG! No not an assassins bullet, but the full dawning of realisation that this is a fucking scam.

Fifth, a slight disappointment at the fact that nobody wants to assassinate me.

Sixth, finally the full horror at the fact that I actually had the day off and am awake at 5 fucking 30 in the morning for no reason whatsoever.

Anyway I hope you will agree that that was worth letting you know about. Will write again soon.