Some of you may have read my earlier post "The Start-up" and they will know that I have given some thought to starting a new religion as a business venture. Obviously those of you hearing about this for the first time are all thinking, "Wow! What a brilliant idea," and/or, "Damn it! Why couldn't I think of that first." To you I would say "Yes I am a genius and why the hell have you not read all my other stuff yet?"
Anyway on February the 11th this year the current Pope announced his decision to retire. This got the many gears in my head working and I decided maybe instead of building a religion from the bottom up, why not take over an established religion and make it better. Therefore I have decided to throw my name into the hat for the job as then next Pope.
Undoubtedly there will be some who would object to this. I mean I'm not Catholic, I'm not even Christian. I'm not any sort of priest, being firmly agnostic probably doesn't help. Also the fact that I'm young and a man of the world may go against me. However to those doubters I would say maybe after 1980 years it's time to try something a bit different. I would project an air of coolness that the papacy lacks, as well as bringing my overall awesomeness into play globally.
To show that I have thought this through, here is an outline of what my Papacy would deliver:
1) Public executions of all priests known to have taken part in the abuse of children. OK this is not a joke. The Catholic church has lost a lot of respect and this issue has caused a lot of pain, not just the acts but the response of the church to them. So in order to bring back confidence to the church we need to send a message. That message should come in the form of swift justice to all those who committed these heinous deeds and all those that helped cover them up.
2) Allow women to be priests. After carrying out my first point there would be rather a lot of vacancies to fill in all levels of the church, so what better time to introduce women into positions they have been denied for far too long. This would modernise the church and bring a whole new energy to its current stagnant state.
3) Allow priests to marry. From what I have read, the reason priests are meant to be celibate is so that the church will inherit all their worldly belongings when the priest shuffles off his mortal coil. if this is the reason then all I can say is that the Vatican has more then enough money, and at this point it's just being greedy. Also this goes directly against the wishes of God, who said "Be fruitful and multiply" if you believe in Genesis 1.28.
4) Give homosexuals equal rights in the church. Look this should be a no brainer logically, if you believe in an all knowing and all powerful God, then you have to believe that if that God didn't want two men, or two women to fall in love with each other, then he or she (it's God I'm not sure if gender pronouns can even apply), wouldn't have made something like 10% of the worlds population gay (is that politically correct? I'm not sure. I apologise if not.) So let openly homosexual people become priests and marry.
5) Allow the use of contraceptives. OK let's get serious here, people like to have sex. It is a lot of fun from what I remember, and the idea that people should only do it when they want to have children is bordering on the absurd. This is the 21st century and burying its head in the sand will not do the church any good, it needs to grow up. This isn't even taking into account the vast numbers of the church's followers that are dying of HIV each year. If you were to look at this as a business model, then allowing your customer base to dwindle each year, when you can prevent it, without any additional financial costs yourself, is really crappy business.
Now that all the serious issues have been addressed here are a few changes I would bring along just for me.
1) No special hat for the pope. I don't do hats it makes my hair all weird. I understand that most of the people working in the church are very old men, so I wouldn't ban hats altogether. Just not for me.
2) Pimp out the Pope Mobile. I mean just look at it. And it's white!
3) I would create a Vatican City Football team for international football tournaments and be allowed to pick any player from any Roman Catholic country (So South America, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, Poland....)
4) Sell off some of the churches assets to start a Space program, so I can be an astronaut.
5) Raise a Papal army. I've always wanted an army.
Anyway these are my ideas for the direction the Catholic Church could take under my brilliant leadership.
Anyway on February the 11th this year the current Pope announced his decision to retire. This got the many gears in my head working and I decided maybe instead of building a religion from the bottom up, why not take over an established religion and make it better. Therefore I have decided to throw my name into the hat for the job as then next Pope.
Undoubtedly there will be some who would object to this. I mean I'm not Catholic, I'm not even Christian. I'm not any sort of priest, being firmly agnostic probably doesn't help. Also the fact that I'm young and a man of the world may go against me. However to those doubters I would say maybe after 1980 years it's time to try something a bit different. I would project an air of coolness that the papacy lacks, as well as bringing my overall awesomeness into play globally.
To show that I have thought this through, here is an outline of what my Papacy would deliver:
1) Public executions of all priests known to have taken part in the abuse of children. OK this is not a joke. The Catholic church has lost a lot of respect and this issue has caused a lot of pain, not just the acts but the response of the church to them. So in order to bring back confidence to the church we need to send a message. That message should come in the form of swift justice to all those who committed these heinous deeds and all those that helped cover them up.
2) Allow women to be priests. After carrying out my first point there would be rather a lot of vacancies to fill in all levels of the church, so what better time to introduce women into positions they have been denied for far too long. This would modernise the church and bring a whole new energy to its current stagnant state.
3) Allow priests to marry. From what I have read, the reason priests are meant to be celibate is so that the church will inherit all their worldly belongings when the priest shuffles off his mortal coil. if this is the reason then all I can say is that the Vatican has more then enough money, and at this point it's just being greedy. Also this goes directly against the wishes of God, who said "Be fruitful and multiply" if you believe in Genesis 1.28.
4) Give homosexuals equal rights in the church. Look this should be a no brainer logically, if you believe in an all knowing and all powerful God, then you have to believe that if that God didn't want two men, or two women to fall in love with each other, then he or she (it's God I'm not sure if gender pronouns can even apply), wouldn't have made something like 10% of the worlds population gay (is that politically correct? I'm not sure. I apologise if not.) So let openly homosexual people become priests and marry.
5) Allow the use of contraceptives. OK let's get serious here, people like to have sex. It is a lot of fun from what I remember, and the idea that people should only do it when they want to have children is bordering on the absurd. This is the 21st century and burying its head in the sand will not do the church any good, it needs to grow up. This isn't even taking into account the vast numbers of the church's followers that are dying of HIV each year. If you were to look at this as a business model, then allowing your customer base to dwindle each year, when you can prevent it, without any additional financial costs yourself, is really crappy business.
Now that all the serious issues have been addressed here are a few changes I would bring along just for me.
1) No special hat for the pope. I don't do hats it makes my hair all weird. I understand that most of the people working in the church are very old men, so I wouldn't ban hats altogether. Just not for me.
2) Pimp out the Pope Mobile. I mean just look at it. And it's white!
3) I would create a Vatican City Football team for international football tournaments and be allowed to pick any player from any Roman Catholic country (So South America, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, Poland....)
4) Sell off some of the churches assets to start a Space program, so I can be an astronaut.
5) Raise a Papal army. I've always wanted an army.
Anyway these are my ideas for the direction the Catholic Church could take under my brilliant leadership.
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