I have been told that this post may offend
some people. If you are indeed offended by any aspect of this post well, you
know, shit happens.
Those of you who read my last post may know
I had been thinking a lot about my death and legacy. Anyway I became
distracted. Probably by something shiny or you know, boobs. So I decided to
start thinking about maybe starting some sort of business venture, no reason,
like I have mentioned before my mind tends to wander all over the place, (keeps
things interesting in my opinion).
Anyway what sort of business you may ask,
if you are indeed the sort of person that would talks to your computer screen
without any hope of a reply (you my want to stop doing that in public, people
will start talking), anyhow it would have to be a business that would be quite
easy to start up. Something that wouldn’t need much upkeep (as I have mentioned
a couple of times I have a tendency to lose focus, also I have recently
downloaded a NES emulator and Super Mario 3 will probably be taking up a lot of
time). Something that would attract a loyal customer base and something that
could grow to give me the public recognition and adoration my ego craves.
Then it hit me I will start a religion. I
mean have you seen how rich some of the world’s religions and religious leaders
are, (just look at the Vatican
Don’t worry though my religion would never
be used to do anything as un-cool as to suppress women or curtail freedoms. Not
like some religions are used by some religious leader I can mention, especially
in a certain middle-eastern area. I mean who would want to suppress women,
Women are fantastic. I mean not all women, (obviously Margaret Thatcher is the
complete opposite of fantastic), but you know women in general, and let’s be
clear I’m not saying this because I am somewhat of a connoisseur of the female
form, I truly hold women in high regards, again obvious not all women. Also without
the freedom of speech I wouldn’t be able to write this blog, (which actually
might be seen by some as a good thing hmm.)
In any case let us get down to brass tacks
and get some details down for this undertaking. What does a religion require?
Apart from a charismatic leader of course, (obviously you will agree I have
that covered). If you said Mythology, Beliefs and Rules then give yourself a
treat, don’t go crazy, just a small treat, like a chocolate bar or a small toy,
I mean it wasn’t that hard of a question.
We now come to my first hurdle, though as
most people I know, will confirm I have a gargantuan ego, I still am not
arrogant enough to pretend to know whether there is a God and what awaits each
of us when we shuffle off this mortal coil. Even if there is an afterlife with
a Heaven and Hell, I’m sure my vision of either may be best suited for anyone
other then me.
Therefore I will allow each follower to
make there own decision about whether to believe in a Deity or Deities. Also
I’ll allow them to construct their own version of whatever afterlife they would
like, a Heaven and a Hell, reincarnation or becoming nothingness. I know this
might seem like a cop out but isn’t it just as good as any other existing system,
true they are more specific on details and set in their way, however can they be proven to be any more
accurate then my ideas. I think not.
Mythology had me a bit stumped, I mean
obviously I could make it up and I dabbled with the idea of creating a science
fiction based mythology for my religion; however Mormonism and Scientology seem
to have that market cornered. So I sat down to think and then it hit me, not
literally of course, why come up with a mythology or rules myself, when there
is a vast reservoir of rules and modern proverbs available to us all and ready
to be tapped into. Films! Think about it generally films have set concepts of
good and evil, have entertaining stories which may or may not have some moral
value I suppose, if not you can come up with some convoluted way to make it
have a moral message, I mean followers of all the major religions tend do so
with their holy texts.
Therefore Ladies and Gentleman I give you
The Church of The Moving Image
Yes I know what you are all thinking, “why
on earth didn’t I come up with this, this is genius”, well you didn’t. Some
others of you may be thinking, “But there is too much to choose from, there are
literally millions of films”. That is the beauty of The Church of The Moving
Pictures; I shall set the first seven basic principles taken from films and
interpreted by me the founder. These rules must be followed and never
contradicted. However those of you who decide to join my church can add
whatever other principle they like as long as they do not go against my
founding principles.
The Founding Seven Principles
- “Be Excellent To One Another” (Bill. S. Preston Esquire, Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure, 1989) – This one should be self explanatory, however just so there is no ambiguity, this means you must be generally nice and tolerant to people. Of course if they are being dicks you can retaliate, however only if provoked. Also note that this pretty much covers the last 6 commandment from the Old Testament in five easy words.
- “Party on Dudes” (Theodore “Ted” Logan, Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure, 1989) – The world is a huge place, full of wonder and adventure. Try to get out there and enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can. Also if you are a very busy person as lots are, take a moment every now and again to take a deep breath and see what’s happening around you.
- “...You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!” (Captain James Tiberius Kirk, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, 1989) – Bad stuff may happen to you, sometimes really bad stuff; you should take your time to recover or deal with it and then move on. Things that happen to us will be part of us and our experiences from that moment on, however they should define us completely. Remember principle number 2
- “..we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... ...and an athlete... ...and a basket case… ...a princess... ...and a criminal...” (Brian, Andrew, Allison, Claire and Bender, The Breakfast Club, 1985) - You are who you are, it doesn’t matter what people want to label you as, you are a perfect version of yourself, be comfortable with yourself because at the end of the day we are more then just one thing, and other people can’t really make us happy.
- “Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.” (Loki, Dogma, 1999) – If you are good at something that is not something to be ashamed of. The cream should always rise to the top. I’m not saying you should treat others who are not as good as you poorly (For one thing that would violate principle number 1), however just think where we would be if Newton, Einstein or Leonardo da Vinci had not shown off their brilliance to fit in or appease peer pressure.
- “You have the look of a man who accepts
what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far
from the truth” (Morpheus, The Matrix, 1999) – The truth is non negotiable,
members of the
- "He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!" (Brian’s Mum, Life Of Brian, 1979) – This is where it may get tricky. This is a warning about following false prophets (mainly celebrities or those people who are perceived to be celebrities), however I could also be seen as a false prophet, in which case I have wasted a lot of time thinking and then writing this post. However then again what is a religion without some leap of faith. So remember be careful who you idolise, Justin Beiber, Kim Kardashian, Honey Boo Boo etc, are not good idols they are generally idiots.
There you have it the starting basis of my
new church, there are of course still some issues to iron out, such as what I
will be called, what sort of, if any clergy system I shall adopt and most
importantly how I am going to make money from this, but I thought I’d get the
ball rolling. Remember my followers you are allowed to add any principles that
will make your life better, as long as they do not contradict any of the first
seven.
Live Long and Prosper
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